February 17 th , 2007
A Toylander's Press International World Exclusive by international correspondent Kinky Smith:
Toylanders Challenge Earl Flemm and His Fullerbrushmen
to Rock Armageddon at Stonehaven Castle
In the wake of the Queens NY, debacle in 1995, when the Great Earl Flemm lost his lucky Argyle Socks and as a consequence spent 10 years in a mental asylum, we bring you news that The Toylanders have thrown down the gauntlet once more.
This time Earl Flemm and his Fullerbrushmen are challenged to what The Toylanders are billing as “ A Rock n Roll Armageddon ”, to determine once and for all who the real Frickin Genie is.
The venue proposed for this ultimate battle of the bands is Dunnottar Castle on the windswept cliffs of Stonehaven on the north-east coast of Scotland. The last time this site was in the international spotlight was when Mel Gibson and Glenn Close starred there in the Zeffirelli movie “Hamlet” in 1990.
The Toylanders have submitted a plan to the Mayor of Stonehaven, who – seduced by the potential revenue from increased tourism in the area – has formally approved the scheme and will arrange for zoning around the castle on the date of the concert, which has yet to be settled. Earl Flemm as yet has not agreed to terms, but is never without a multitude of excuses, “Gotta call it Flemmstock, or it ain't happenin baby.'
The Toylanders have proposed the concert be in the Spring of 2008, however it would appear that with every proposed date Earl Flemm drags his heels. One frequently used excuse for his reticence relates to his mourning the loss of his brother Clemment Flemm who, it is feared, died in a lear jet accident that occurred when he, in his brother Earl's stead, flew to Scotland to retrieve the famed purloined argyles: “A crock,...it's fear of the unknown” says Toylander management.
In what The Toylanders describe today as a “desperate attempt to weasel his way out of a battle he knows he’ll never win,” Earl Flemm yesterday went public with his claim to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. “The man has no shame,” declared Toylanders front man,Gary Stone.
Stonehaven locals will probably see Earl Flemm’s reluctance to return as understandable in the light his last visit in 1994. That day, in June, during the Annual Sheep Show, when Flemm and his entourage tried – for reasons best known to themselves – to steal the prize show sheep, Dolly, has entered into local folklore. The young farmers bundled the entire band and their equipment onto a low-loader and checked them into the Funny Farm out the Slugger, where they were held until they were deported to the US a few days later. Inspired by the incident, Stonehaven local lad and international pop icon, JJ Smith had a No. 1 hit that year with Old MacDonald’s Deformed Farm.
Another intriguing sideline to this story is the mystery of the whereabouts of Earl Flemm's Argyle Socks. Following the embittered failed transfer bid of Scary Mary to Earl Flemm’s camp, she returned to Scotland and is now guarding the socks at a Fairy Bridge in an undisclosed location in the British Isles. Chief Fairy Fagan spoke out today to confirm that the socks will remain magicked away until such time as they are claimed by their rightful owner – the ultimate winner of the Rock Armageddon at Dunnottar Castle, settling once and for all, the ancient feud between these two rock titans.
The buzz on Stonehaven Community Radio has but one theme this week: “We’re waiting Flembo… tap, tap, tap, ”.- That's my story and I'm sticking to it! - Kinky Smth
Earl Flemm, digging in his heels.
Flemmisty